Not this guy. That wave. Ok, not that PARTICULAR wave, but all waves. Surfing was my first love. It informed many of my earliest fate-making decisions, like going to college in Hawaii, one of the best decisions EVER. In fact, surfing has never led me astray. It has only brought me to epic locations and led me closer to health and wellbeing. So why did I leave it for so long to live in places like, oh, Atlanta? There is that saying “If you love someone, set them free.” Well, I guess surfing set me free for a good decade and now I have officially come back to it.

And I am yours oh great Ocean.

I have been having a hard time getting back into the water. I mean, REALLY back into the water. Past the whitewash and tourist on their foam boards taking hour-long group lessons. Man, it was so nice and easy showing them up in the whitewash. I could do that all day long. But every time I gazed out toward the big guns, well, I just couldn’t get myself to paddle out to the outside. Antonio started to notice this new trend, even on the smallest of days, which in Guiones is still pretty big compared to places like Tamarindo. I LOVE surfing in Tamarindo. The wave is like an old wise woman with open arms, gently patting you on the back and saying “You’re doing great. Come on back for another one.”

Guiones is more like a raving lunatic spitting foam in your face and smashing you like a whack-a-mole every time you try to surface for air. At least at this time of year. At least that’s how it feels to my tender soul that’s been hibernating for months in a warm cuddle puddle with my soft, sweet baby and super loving partner. Why would I want to leave my comfortable little nest for THAT?

Why do I want to leave my comfortable little nest for that? Hmmm

Because it’s my first love. It’s calling for the fire in me. That fire that propels me ONWARD. To greater things and distant horizons. It’s that love that will not let me grow complacent. That will not let me stay too comfortable to the point of stagnation, because it knows I could never be very happy in a stagnant pond, and neither could my warm cuddly loved ones. This first love of mine requires me to always look at myself, to see and feel my weakness, and dig into it. Move through it. Grow past it and move upward. This is why I left it for a decade and this is why I am coming back to it.

I took a surf lesson from one of the Guiones Mermaids, the ladies out there with only short fins, pushing brave tourists out into the line up so they can catch the real waves. Her name was Daniella and she was exactly what I needed. She encouraged me to move past the breakers and I did. She encouraged me to keep paddling when my shoulders were burning and I did. And then I made it to the outside for the first time since my first trimester of pregnancy almost a year ago. And then she encouraged me to paddle fast and hard, straight toward the oncoming eight-foot face and I felt my board move up, and up, and I paddled and paddled until I felt my board move straight up, perpendicular, teetering on the edge of that cliff and then falling forward over the back. And it was exhilarating. I still had it.

And then the rain began pouring. And one of those great big faces finally got me and smacked me and rolled me around and sucked me down and I went back in, walked back down and I did it all over again. Happily.

I took the lesson because I wanted to get back on a real wave, but they always seem to be too big and I always seem to be too scared to drop in. I never did make it onto one of those big faces yesterday, but I made it out there. And it exhausted me. I realized I am not ready to drop in on one of those big faces just yet. But I am ready to be out amongst them trying. I am ready to paddle again. I am ready to take the first step towards that lifelong goal of becoming one with the Ocean and riding its waves into the sunset.

So I am going to stop and really focus on this one, lifelong goal of mine. No more teetering on the inside. No more doing the bare minimum. I am going to rise to the occasion and make this happen once and for all. I don’t dream of dropping into a wave like Teahupoo, the one pictured here, but I do dream of being one of those Guiones Mermaids, charging waves big and small, rain or shine. Wish me luck.

Magic 230/365, My Old Flame, Teahupoo, Tahiti, 2013