Today I invoked the Mother and it WORKED. Well, it kind of worked. Today was day six of my 21-day surfing streak to fierce, power-charging, warrior goddess-ness.

And I was scared.

Of tiny waves. So far I have made it to the outside every day of my challenge, but today the waves were a tiny bit bigger and my body was a lot bit… moodier. Breastfeeding hormones are a bitch. And they make me one. A scared little bitch.

I couldn’t get myself to WORK for the outside. And I was working myself into a mental panic. So I gave up and rode a (white) wave in and I sat pouting on my board, staring at the ocean. And then I remembered the post I wrote on my birthday about the Congolese mother and her POWER. So I closed my eyes and I pictured her. I told myself, “I am grace, I am power. I am one with this beautiful ocean.” I repeated it over and over and I began to feel everything melt away. I decided that I was going to try one more time to paddle out to the outside. And then I decided to go home. And then I decided that I WOULD stay and paddle out.

“But I really want to go home. But I can paddle out. I know I can. I can make it. I am grace. I am power. I am going home. I AM FREAKING PADDLING OUT!”

I strapped my leash on and headed back out. When I was ankle deep I contemplated going back. And then I realized how crazy I was being and this made me want to cry. This is what a hormonal freak out is like. I never really had one throughout my pregnancy but now it was here in full force. I kept going past all of my mental blocks. I kept trying to talk myself out of paddling farther. I got out to the bigger waves. A huge one broke and I grabbed the front of my board, turned over and dove beneath it. I was sure it was going to rip the board out of my hands. But it didn’t. And then another one came and this time I had a little sass in my spirit and I dove a little more confidently. I made it again.

I started saying “I am a mother fucking charger.” And then I started to feel like one. And I kept ducking under and I kept paddling my ass off and then finally I made it out. And I was so glad I made it past that mental barrier. Because it wasn’t the waves. It was my mind holding me back. And this is why I have to go out every day and keep facing my fears so that eventually that voice in me that keeps saying I am a scared little bitch will be a faint, distant whisper.

Onward.

Magic 234/365, I Am Mother, Playa Guiones, Costa Rica, August 2018